A special get-well card arrived in the mail this afternoon. We'll simply say that it was sent by a long-time friend, M.T., and leave it at that.
Its arrival, however, has raised some concerns. Some of the hundreds of well-wishes and cards that I have received have come from cancer survivors, or from people who have experienced cancer tragedies in their families. Friends like K.O. and D.H. also come to mind. Each of these folks is in every way as much a victim as the patient. Every recollection of their experience must be extremely painful. I often feel that my own episode has triggered within them excruciating flashbacks that they need to avoid to stay whole. I had no right to remind them of their experience or their tragedy. Yet I cannot control it. And I feel guilty.
But there is more. So much has been done for me. Cards, e-mails, personal messages, money, gifts, meals, visits. All this forces me to confront myself. In the past, have I been as generous with my time and contributions as they have been with me? Did I do my share? I'm afraid that I must conclude that I don't measure up. Still more guilt!
What is my remedy? I'm forced to conclude that there may not be one. All I can do is try to be more understanding and more supportive in the future. I can't help feeling, though, that it is too little and too late.
Cancer is a most humbling experience, as painful to the psyche as to the body itself.
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You are never allowed to feel guilty, Dad. NEVER. Love, tc and sarah
ReplyDeleteI second Therese's comment. I think by sharing your journey, you're actually bringing some peace to survivors and to those who've had family cancer "tragedies." I don't know if this makes any sense, and at the risk of sounding self-centered:
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you remember me well or remember my background, but my father passed away in the 1980's from leukemia. Because I was just a kid, my family shared very little information with me. A few years ago, my gram gave me a folder that included his medical records from that time. Even though I had known he was very sick, I never could have imagined what he endured until it was written out, stuffed in a manila folder, and given to me, I guess, for posterity.
What I'm really saying here is that I applaud your courage in sharing this journey with your friends and family and other readers. As someone who wanted to know more but just didn't have access to the information (and by that I also mean feelings and hopes and fears - i.e., the "humanity" of cancer), I find a lot of peace in your words and your spirit.
So yeah. Don't ever feel guilty.